No Joy

Warning: This is not a very positive post.

I realized today that I've lost my joy as a stay at home mom. I've been home for over a year and a half and it's been an up and down ride. There are days I wake up and I couldn't imagine having to go to work again and leave my kids with someone else. Then there are days where I would do anything just to get out of the house and go work and be productive and have a good chunk of time away from the kids.

Having a 3 year old, an almost 2 year old and a newborn feels like it's a bit more than I can handle right now. I really want to put Jayden in preschool because I think he NEEDS it. I think the social interaction, the learning environment and the time away from his siblings and me would be very beneficial for him. However, preschool tuition is not in our budget.. at all. So this leads me to my next question.. Is it time for this momma to go back to work?

I wouldn't want to work full time and I would want to work a schedule that would allow the kids to be home with Jordan so we don't have to pay for daycare. I'm really to the point now where I feel like something needs to change in our situation. I'm tired of struggling every single month. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck and barely getting by. I don't want to just survive, I want to thrive. (pardon the cheesy line, but it's true.)

Maybe part of this is me still adjusting to being a mother of 3. I'm realizing that Jayden needs to be doing more concentrated learning and activities, but with my hands full of the other two, his needs aren't being met. Even when I try to sit down and do some activity with him it seems like one of the other kids (or myself) needs something.

I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now. I don't want to feel like I can barely keep my head above water. I want to be that mom that teaches her kids to read and write and how to do math and does science experiments and activities, but I have no motivation to do any of it. Jayden is also to the point of not taking a nap everyday, which means I could be doing stuff with him in the afternoon, but by golly! I need time to MYSELF. And I'm not talking about going the the grocery store alone for 30 minutes after Jordan gets home from work. I need a serious time out from mommy world.

Last week my sister stopped by for about 2.5 minutes just to pick up some stuff I had for her. I can't tell you how badly I needed that little time just to see another adult and chat... even if it was seriously less than 5 minutes. This is how desperate I have become.

I'm sorry for the negative post, I just really needed to get this off my chest. Also, I promise to do something about my attitude and situation. I don't like who I am right now as "the grouchy mom" and I want to change.

Birthday Boy!

My first born turned 3 years old over the weekend. I really wanted to do a cool birthday party for him this year, but it just didn't happen. Hopefully next year! :)

Friday I got my wisdom teeth extracted. I've had this appointment schedule for awhile, so when I was planning his party I made sure that we weren't going to be doing anything over the top. We had it at a park in our neighborhood with just family and some of our closest friends.

Jayden requested doughnuts for his birthday breakfast, chocolate cupcakes and watermelon for his party. So that is what he got.

Since Jayden is really into hotwheels and the Cars movies, most of his presents consisted of cars in some form or fashion. He was so excited he didn't even eat dinner that night because he just wanted to play with his toys. It also took him an hour and half to go to sleep because he was so wound up from the days activities... and probably all the sugar.

Here are few pictures from the party.

Jayden's response to, "Give me a big smile"...

Gabriella eating a sucker from her auntie Erika

Levi enjoying the party

Erika, Steven and Jordan

Blogs and Inspiration

I love blogs. I've become "obsessed" according to my husband. The thing I really like about blogs is taking other peoples design ideas, diy's, recipes and parenting tips. So I wanted to share with you a few things I've tried from other people's blogs.

1. Homemade mac and cheese.

This is the easiest recipe for homemade mac and cheese. Honestly, you won't find an easier one. My sister found this one and shared it with me.

• 3 c. Whole Milk
• 1 1/2 c. Elbow Pasta
• 1 c. Cheddar Cheese

In a medium sauce pan place milk and pasta over medium heat. Stir for 15 minutes (or until pasta is al dente). Add cheese and stir. Salt and pepper to taste.

That's it. It's super easy. We eat this about once a week and my kids love it.

2. Homemade cheese crackers.

I got this recipe from smilemonster.blogspot.com from one of their link parties. It's like homemade gold fish crackers, but better.

• 4 Tbsp. Butter
• 1 1/2 c. Cheddar Cheese
• 2/3 c. Flour
• 1/8 tsp. Onion Powder

Combine in a food processor. Roll out dough on a cutting board. Using a very small cookie cutter cut out your crackers. Place on a cookie sheet and bake for 12-15 minutes at 350 degrees.

*I don't have a really small cookie cutter, so I used the star shape and then cut the triangles off and cooked the triangles. It takes forever, so I really need to invest in a tiny cookie cutter for this recipe.

3. DIY Nursing Pads.

I hate buying the boxes of nursing pads at the store for $10. I knew this time around I wanted reusable, cloth nursing pads. So I started looking last night and found them to be super expensive. So I googled "DIY nursing pads and found a blog that had directions. The best part is that the pads were free to make and I can reuse them.

You'll need:

• 8- 5 inch circles of flannel. (Cut up a receiving blanket)
• Scissors
• Sewing machine

1. Take 4 of your circles and place them all together.
2. Sew a straight stitch around the edge of your circle.
3. Next trim the excess fabric.
4. Do a zig-zag stitch around the edge to prevent the pads from fraying.
5. Starting from the center, sew a straight stitch all the way to the edge of the pad, creating a dart.

Jordan and I had a friendly little competition to see who could make these better. I think I won. Although mine aren't a perfect circle, they're prettier I think. I now have two sets of these! :)

The nursing pads I made..

The nursing pads Jordan made

4. DIY Swaddle Blanket.

When Jayden was a newborn a friend of ours let us borrow " The Happiest Baby On The Block" DVD. This guy gives you 5 tips to calm a crying baby. I bet Youtube.com has the video if you're interested. Anyways, one of the tips is to swaddle your baby. And not this little wrap the baby nicely swaddle. I mean you swaddle the baby so they can't get their arms out it's so tight. We've done this with all of our kids and it's worked for all of them. They sleep better when they're swaddled. And if you say, "My baby doesn't like to be swaddled." It's probably because you're not doing it tight enough. :) Or maybe they don't like it.. I don't know. Ha!

To make your own swaddle blankets that are big enough to swaddle a newborn- 3 month old you need:

• 1 yard of flannel fabric
• a sewing machine/serger

When I had Gabriella I had my sister use her mother-in-law's serger and serge the edges of the material, but when Levi was born her mother-in-law had just moved and their stuff was still in boxes... or at least that's what my sister told me... :) So I put my husband to work and he got out our little dinky sewing machine. All you have to do is a zig-zag stitch around the edge of the material. (which if you ask my husband, he'll tell you that he invented that stitch.. he didn't though, so don't believe him.)

5. Design inspiration

Ohdeedoh.com

I love taking "tours" of other people's homes and getting inspiration from them. I literally spent hours looking at this site last week.

First Two Weeks

It's been 13 days since Levi joined our family. I'm so happy that he's here and we're all adjusting well to the new addition. I love that his name means "joined in harmony", I think it fits perfectly.

The first week home was great. Jordan got the entire week off of work. Also some of our friends and family brought us meals everyday. This is the first time anyone has ever organized meals for us after we had a baby and I can't say enough about what a huge blessing it was.

The sleepless nights haven't been too bad. I think I've been running off adrenaline because I'm fine until I sit down and relax for longer than 30 minutes. If I sit for too long I feel like I won't be able to get up or keep my eyes open!

The kids have been amazing. Gabriella really loves her baby brother. She's constantly asking to hold him and kiss him. Jayden wasn't as excited the first week, but I've been very impressed with how affectionate he's been this second week. He randomly walks up to Levi and kisses him gently on the head or strokes his arm. We were in the car the other day and Levi was hungry but we were still about 20 minutes from home so he was very upset. Jayden grabbed his pacifier and started trying to put it in Levi's mouth. It was precious. He was very sweetly saying, "come on, open, open. It's okay Levi."

Breastfeeding is going great. Levi hasn't had any formula and I don't think I'll have to supplement since I've been able to pump and freeze milk. It is very interesting having two curious toddlers when I'm nursing or pumping. They ask some funny questions. They also want to help... which can be slightly awkward. :)

And for some big news..... The kids have been sharing a room since Tuesday!!! Jordan decided it was time for Gabriella to sleep in her big girl bed. The first couple nights were a little rough on both the kids, but surprisingly it's been harder on Jayden than has been on Gabri. I've been putting Gabri in her crib for nap time still because Jayden doesn't always go to sleep right away and takes much shorter naps, so until I feel up to the challenge of getting them both to nap together, I'm letting her have the crib.

Being home alone with all three kids hasn't been too bad. It's actually been easier than I thought. I even took them all out by myself! We only went to my mom's house, but I still did it all by myself! :) Maybe next week we'll venture out to the store or the library?!

Levi's Birth Story

Well he's finally here and here's how he came to be.

Thursday (7/21/11) I was supposed to be home alone with the kids while Jordan went to band practice. I decided to take them on a nice long walk and then a trip to the park to help wear out their high energy levels. As we were walking up to the house Jayden pointed out that daddy was home. We went into the backyard through the gate and I was trying to get Gabriella, her shoes, my water bottle and my cell phone. Gabriella was poopy, I had to pee and I was really interested as to why Jordan was home. As I stepped onto the the back door steps I lost my balance and fell holding all the things mentioned above. I thought I landed on Gabri's arm so I kept saying, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." I got up, opened the back door and got everyone inside while trying to catch my breath. Jordan came over and after I explained what happened he pointed out my elbow was bleeding. He took me upstairs and cleaned my wound and we got the kids put to bed. I spent the evening on my exercise ball trying to get comfortable after my fall. I had been reading online about using the exercise ball to get the baby into proper position and it was a huge relief both before labor and during.

The next day we took the kids to the new water park in town. It's so much fun to take them to places like that! I was really glad that we were able to take them one more time before the baby was born. We got a pizza for lunch and then I had to go to my 39 week check up.

I had been going back and forth on the idea of having the doctor strip my membranes, so when she offered I said yes. I gained 35 pounds and everything with the baby looked good and I was 5cm dilated and he was at a -3 station.

That night we had a special game night planned with our neighbors, my sister-in-law and her boyfriend and a family from his church. We had dinner and played the game "Pit", which is a lot of fun and I highly recommend it. I had been having contractions all throughout dinner and while we were playing games. I timed them and they weren't coming often enough or regularly enough to be real labor contractions, so I just enjoyed the night.

When we got home I cleaned the kitchen, picked up the living room and took a shower. When I got in bed I noticed the contractions were coming a lot closer together and when I laid down they intensified A LOT! They were coming every 6 minutes so I called my doctor who said I should come on in. This was around midnight.

We got the kids out of bed and in the car headed to my mother-in-law's house. We showed up on her doorstep at 12:30am to drop off the kids. I felt kind of silly going to the hospital at this point because I wasn't constantly in pain and the contractions kind of slowed down. The whole time I just kept thinking, I hope they don't send me home after all this!

(Right after we got to the hospital, feeling pretty good)

Once at the hospital they took us into a labor and delivery room and got us all checked in. I asked the nurse if they were going to send me home and she just said, I hope not! :) I put the gown on and she checked me. I was still 5cm and about 100% effaced and the contractions were every 4 minutes. After we were all set up I decided to take a bath thinking it might help ease the contractions. I probably stayed in there for 30 minutes but I didn't think it really helped.. mostly because I didn't want to be laying down. I wish I could have been in a really big hot tub. I got out and got on the birthing ball. This was by far my favorite method of coping with the pain. Jordan and the nurse kept trying to convince me to not use the epidural and I was willing to try it. (At this point I was wishing I had read up on how to go through labor and delivery without drugs and maybe with a midwife.) I had to get on the monitors for awhile so while I was laying in bed I tried to sleep. I kept hearing crying and thought I was hearing things until the woman in the room next to me started screaming, moaning, yelling, etc. I know this sounds really terrible, but I couldn't stop laughing. I've only heard that kind of thing in the movies so to hear it in real life was pretty entertaining... until I would get a contraction... then it wasn't funny anymore. :)

(Breathing through a contraction)

After 40 minutes of listening to her scream she finally delivered her baby, and I called the nurse to say I want that epidural now! I didn't want to end up like her! Luckily for me, that lady was the one who got the anesthesiologist on the labor and delivery floor, however he didn't make it in time for her. I was really thankful I got the epidural because I was so completely exhausted from all the stuff we did the day before that I needed to rest. The one thing I didn't like was the way it made me feel. I was tingly from head to toe, light headed, nauseous and like I need to scratch my skin like crazy! But I guess that's a small price to pay when I didn't want to feel the contractions anymore.

I got a couple hours of sleep and around 7:30am the dr. came in and broke my water. Less than an hour later I was complete. It only took me about 4 minutes to push out our new baby! I have to tell you, when he came out and Jordan announced it was a boy, it was almost more of a question! We were so sure at that point that we were having another girl that when we saw Levi's boy parts we were completely surprised. They laid him on my chest and we were able to just lay there skin to skin for an hour.

Everything went just as I wanted. I got to experience what it's like to go into labor naturally, I got to experience labor contractions without pitocin and Jordan was with me for the whole thing!

We were discharged from the hospital Sunday around 1pm. I was really thankful to be home with my other children and my husband since they had been at my in-laws all weekend. Life with 3 kids has been interesting. It's really not too different from having 2 kids. Right now we're all still adjusting to our new family life. It was great having Jordan home last week.

(Gabriella holding her new baby brother)

(Jayden was more interested in the "balloon" Grammie was blowing up)

Levi Cooper Wertzbaugher

8lbs 8oz

20 inches long.

July 23, 2011

8:41am

My Neighbors

We are coming up on the two year anniversary of living in our house and I am realizing more and more everyday how much I love living here.

Being a homeowner isn't always easy. We just had a terrible hail storm on Tuesday that caused a couple of holes in our siding and of course we'll be the ones to pay to have it fixed. We've had our fair share of broken pipes, leaking window, furnace breaking, toilets needing to be replaced, etc. but being a homeowner is totally worth it!

I didn't want to move to Brighton at first because it was so far from everything. It's just a small little farm town with not a lot going on. Now that is exactly what I love about it! It's nothing compared to my hometown of Broomfield and it certainly doesn't compare to Dallas (at all!), but it's quiet and I like it.

We only knew one family when we moved out here and the husband happens to be the worship leader at our church. We live about 5 or 6 houses away from each other. I can see their house from my couch, bed, kitchen, closet and office.

When we moved into our house I was pregnant with Gabriella and only a few week from my due date. After giving birth to her I became a stay at home mom. Sometimes being a stay at home mom can be rather lonely. I'm the type of person that needs interaction with other adults.

I can't tell you how many times I go over to visit my sweet neighbors and come back feeling totally refreshed. I'm so thankful for them and how they always open their home to my family. This past weekend Jordan was over helping Troy with a project he's working on for their backyard and as our families sat together in their living I realized what a deep love I have for the Warwicks. They're truly an amazing family. They've seen us and our house at our best and worst and love us just the same.

Today was just another day where I need a little time out of the house with some adult interaction, so I went running to Tirzah who gladly opened her home to us and sat and chatted with me for a couple hours. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Frustrated and Discouraged

I haven't written a blog in a while because I've been so busy trying to get this baby to come out. You'd think by the 3rd baby I would have learned that these little babies just come when they're ready and not before. All the silly things people say induces labor aren't helping me. The one thing I will continue to do is walk because I know that even if it doesn't jumpstart my labor, it will help with the position of the baby, it's exercise and it makes the kids tired so they take good naps! :)

I'm 4-5cm dilated and 50% effaced, so you'd think that pretty much anything would send me into labor. I'd had a lot of false labor which only results in a sore belly and back.

Jordan reminded me the other about how big our children are when they're born and that just made me all the more anxious to get this baby out of me! I don't want to be past my due date and then deliver a 10 pound baby (which is totally possible given the size of my previous children).

Pretty much everything I've read online about natural induction says, "If your body is ready then these could help..." well why isn't my body ready?! All the numbers seem like it should be ready. So I wait. Impatiently.. I wait.

I hate feeling frustrated and discouraged, especially over something you CAN'T control.

As we were getting ready to go out for our daily walk I forgot that the chain on Jayden's bike came off yesterday. So after getting all the water bottles filled and everyone's clothes and shoes on, we get all the way to the sidewalk and I realize Jayden can't ride his bike, which means we can't go for a walk and it totally spoiled my plans. So I got down and started trying to fix it myself. I had no clue what I was doing and quite frankly I was about to start crying because I was so frustrated. After about 5 minutes of trying to figure it out, I somehow got it back on properly. So we were still able to go for our walk. But it was as we were walking that I realized I try so hard to take matters into my own hands then get so frustrated when they don't work out. How old will I be when I finally learn to just relax and rely on the Lord and know that He has the perfect plan.

The doctor who delivered both Jayden and Gabriella told me, "God made pregnancy 9 months long so by the end of it women would be more than willing to go through labor and delivery." It's funny how we're so ready to be done being pregnant that we're ready to go through the most intense pain we've ever experienced.

I know this baby won't stay locked inside of me much longer and we'll have that precious newborn in our arms soon, but darn this waiting game is hard!